I'm still not sure about this blogging business-I hated journal writing when I was forced to do it in school. Remember that? It was used as a way to perfect writing skills, which is understandable I guess. But the teacher got to read what you wrote so you could never really put anything personal in it, like 'My teacher is an arsehole who makes me write in this stupid journal for 10 minutes every day!' or 'Me and Billy are going to pull the fire alarm if we got to write in this thing again tomorrow.' Well, you could but it ends up on your permanent record-trust me.
So now I'm going to actually write about something. It is a topic that is very dear to me, something I am rather passionate about: Zombies, or more specifically, the impending zombie invasion. Oh, you laugh but it will happen. And when it does, you will get on your computer and come to my blog immediately-I know how to survive a zombie attack. I've been practising for years, getting ready to fight the army of the dead (thank you very much, Resident Evil and George A. Romero). I've studied their movements, their evolution, and, most importantly, their weakness. Yes, zombies have a weakness and the way to exploit it is not the obvious destroy-the-brain tactic that many of you are familiar with. No, it's to simply wait them out. See, regardless of the type of zombie (the older slow ones with no higher brain function outside basic instincts or the new fast ones that can evolve and regain some higher cognitive abilities) the fact remains that they are dead-OK, technically the 'undead' but seriously, that could apply to anything with a pulse and as we all know, zombies do not have a pulse as they are dead but I digress. Since they are dead, we just have to wait for them to decompose to the point that they can no longer function. I know, I'm a genius. Still, there are some things to remember in order to ensure survival while we wait them out.
What we need to do in the wake of a zombie apocolypse is to first of all, remain calm. You won't do anyone any good if you start panicking and you run the risk of having your brains eaten, thus becoming one of them. So remain calm. Next, make sure you utilize anything that could be used as a weapon. Heavy artillery works best but we're in Canada so that's out, even if we call in the military. If you do have access to firearms, use them wisely and rock on, my friend. If not, look for things that could be used to pierce the skin, keeping in mind that rotting flesh is not that hard to penetrate. Remember, be resourceful and think outside the box; a roll of tape, a broom, and a small knife can make a great spear-aim for the head. Wooden furniture can be broken into pieces that can be used as spears as well. Of course, use large pieces of furniture as barricades first. Shovels, rakes, and other yard or household items are all useful. You can also use aerosol cans and a lighter as small, hand-held flamethrowers. Remember to use extreme caution when using fire-we don't want any accidents and you need your shelter. Also, make sure you have the kahunas to take out anyone who has been infected by zombie cooties.
If we have enough advanced warning, and we should if you take the news reports seriously when they start rolling in (unless it's Fox news or Nancy Grace, then you can ignore it), then make sure to stockpile food, water, and any other items you may need such as medication, first aid supplies, and beer. You need enough to last a couple of months. Of course, I live on an island so it will probably run its course more quickly here. See, the thing is, once they rot and drop, we're in the clear and when that happens, all of the stupid people will be dead and only the strongest, most intelligent will have survived. Oh, to finally be rid of Stephen Harper and the Conservative government! And Nancy Grace! Dr. Phil! NICKELBACK!!! And maybe, just maybe, even Ben Mulroney.
Hey, a girl can dream. We have to hope that some good can come of this.
